7 simple steps to become the hostel d*ckhead

Generally, we love staying in hostels. A good kitchen, clean sheets and drinks with other travellers make them a home away from home. That said, fill a small building with hormonal adults, the cheapest beer on offer and a number of individuals who have not yet learnt about social norms or hostel etiquette, and it is inevitably going to lead to some memorable experiences:

Walking in on people masturbating in what they believed was an empty dorm, being overwhelmed by packs of travelling hippies who seemed to multiply three-fold every day, replete with circus equipment and vague washing schedules and, we kid you not, somebody who shat in a suitcase. Fair enough, he chose to do this in his own suitcase which is his prerogative, but the point still stands.  

Every hostel has one, some have several, and you can be one too - here are 7 sure-fire ways to become the biggest d*ckhead in your hostel. 

#1 get it on in the dorm

A key component of being the resident hostel d*ckhead is that you're a total lad, player and PUA (or at least you think so). In fact, one of your key motivations for travel is to 'plant your flag' in as many nationalities as possible (and Whatsapp all your mates at home to tell them about it). 

So - with this in mind - you don't need to pay a few dollars extra to get a nicer, more intimate private room, in the expectation some lucky lady will be...escorting...you home this evening. No no, stumble into your 10-person dorm (where there's an old Swiss man on the bunk above) at 4 a.m., attempt foreplay in your pigeon Spanish and.... you may wake everyone up with your grunting in the two-minute period, but hey, you're the man and SOMEBODY will give you a high-five in the morning. LAD!


#2 hygiene doesn't have to be personal

There really is no better or more sensible place to floss or hack away at your crusty toenails than in the company of your dorm buddies.  If the flying debris makes it on to their bed, it's one less for you to clean up! 

Need to trim your pubes? Don't worry about wrapping them in paper towels in the bathroom, just squat yourself over the bin, tame the bush and leave a lovely little pile in plain sight and sprinkled on the floor.


#3 fridges contain free food

It's 10 a.m. on a Saturday morning and you wake up groggy, hungover and hungry following another 'epic' night. You could head to shop around the corner, but the hostel d*ckhead has other means of filling his belly.

Why not partake in that yoghurt someone was looking forward to or the tupperware full of left-over pasta that couple made last night that smelled really nice? 


#4 don't clean up after yourself. ever.

When you're not nicking other people's food, you may venture into the kitchen with culinary intent. Yes, there may only be one decent pan and a single chopping board that everyone has to use, but don't worry, if they really want it, then they'll clean up your remnants of burnt scrambled egg. 


#5 everyone loves the sound of your voice

The d*ckhead can be a curious beast. Often nocturnal and loudly hitting their peak on the dH scale at around 3 a.m., frequently outside your room or sometimes beside your bed. By this hour, the species has usually consumed large amounts of alcohol and, with dexterity and co-ordination somewhat compromised, will have collisions with dorm beds, walls and sometimes you (after switching on the light, just to make sure everyone is awake).

There is however a rarer, less threatening species - the dicus earlius - who can be a real go-getting sort, early to rise and early to p*ss everyone off. They may have an early shuttle bus to catch, but see no need to prepare and pack the night before, but rather opt for having a screeching alarm at 4.30 a.m. so they can rush around noisily preparing for their departure.


#6 headphones are overrated

When you want to catch up with your non-travelling d*ckheads at home, Skype is a great piece of technology. Unlike everyone else, you know that it actually works better WITHOUT headphones - that way the entire hostel is privy to your mate's conquests, your mum's concerns and and your secret girlfriend believing your oaths of fidelity.

This also applies to sharing your love of vastly misunderstood and under-appreciated electro-synth-trance.

All. The. Bloody. Time. 


#7 form a supergroup of hostel d*ckheads

So, you've followed the above hints and tips, and are teetering on total d*ckheadingdom - where can you go now? Form a travelling pack!

With swelling numbers you can truly take over the place. Need to cook? Use every hob and pan for two hours. Need to drink? Retrieve every chair in the place and park yourself outside the dorm. The world is your oyster.

What are your worst hostel experiences? Or are YOU the hostel d*ckhead!? Or is it us?